My plan was for us to do all our college visits Woohoo's junior year, narrow it down, apply to 3-4 schools immediately in the fall, get all her applications in by Halloween, have the answers by Thanksgiving, and then just relax the rest of the year knowing (smugly) that "our" plans were all in place for college.
I dragged her to the college visits. I held a gun to her head to apply to the colleges. The acceptances came. Now here we are with just a little over a month left until the drop dead date colleges impose (May 1st) to get in or get out, and she still hasn't decided.
This indecision was doing nothing for our relationship. This indecision was doing nothing for my digestive system. This indecision was doing nothing for my marriage. Still, I continued to make this my problem to the point that I was absolutely in a complete dither pretty much 24/7.
Until I remembered everything I learned about cord cutting. I realized we were totally bound up in this energetic pathway to no where, and in fact, I was holding all the responsibility so she didn't have to. I had to do something to give her back her power, and regain some of mine. Every day for a couple weeks now I've visualized cutting the cords that bind me to her decision and keep the onus on me, I visualize the unhealthy cords being burned in a healing fire. I visualize her energy and power returning, and me getting back on my life, and out of the driver's seat of hers.
I'm sure all my we-have-done-private-education-all-the-way stuff is in there. I'm sure my we-only-have-one-kid-going-to-college-so-it-better-be-good stuff is in there. I'm sure my everyone-else's-kid-is ________ stuff is in there. Basically, a lot of stuff that didn't need to be in this decision of hers was in there.
The cord cutting has helped. It has helped me. I feel my energy returning. I feel she's moving from the back seat to the front, even into the driver's seat. I feel like whatever choice she makes will be the right one for her. I feel like the colleges have imposed a deadline on her decision that makes it so I don't have to.
I feel like her turning 18 in May can, and will, be a gift to both of us. A gift we'll both be ready to receive.
Photo from: http://www.byregion.net
5 comments:
Wow. That's some amazing work you are doing. I love how aware you are and how willing you are to check yourself. YAMH.
You're so wise, and while I know this wisdom is hard "won," I would love to know what precipitated it, how you came to realize this, slowly or suddenly, who and what influenced you, etc. (if you don't mind! )
Damn you, Carrie! Just when I was getting used to this tween thing you write this. I started reading it yesterday and had to stop because all of a sudden I was reading about myself and it became too uncomfortable.
So today I'm back and trying really hard to open up that door and let your wisdom shine in.
You are a total rock star and I am amazed at your ability to recognize what you're doing and how it isn't working and make adjustments. But sometimes it harshes my mellow, if you know what I mean. ;-)
I love you and I am so glad you are one of my teachers.
Great insight. In fact, the letting go and cord-cutting part is the toughest lesson we learn, and it comes so late in our lives.
Let's hope our kids learn sooner. :)
I am SURE I will be in your shoes someday, needing to do this same damn thing! Thank god you will be able to tell me what to do. lol
:)
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