Friday, September 10, 2010

Dad



"Mom? Does everyone have to go to college?" he asks, legs kicking the breakfast bar, fingers separating cheese and sauce from pizza crust.

"No, honey, not everyone has to go to college," I say, reluctantly, because it would be my personal preference that everyone go to college.

"Do you have to go to college to be a dad?" he asks.

"No, you can be a dad without going to college," making myself squirm all the more because I have a strong bias there, too, even though STM's dad is Dad of the Year and never went to college and I know plenty of other such stories. Still.

"Well, then I'm not going to college," he announces.

I think he, at 14 and in 8th grade, is just discovering that he is not on the same path as his peers. This is the good news. This is the bad news. This is the three hanky news.

"That's it, I'm telling J., my girlfriend, tomorrow, not to go to college. I want to hurry up and be a dad."

"Well, honey, if she wants to go to college, you need to let her do that. There is time for kids after college," I say/plead/pray. How desperately I want him to have children in his life, if not as a father, as something... I want for him what he wants for himself, but he cannot even take care of himself. He can't brush his own teeth. He needs to be reminded to pee. He cannot use a knife and fork together. There are a thousand reasons why he can't be a father, and I don't have the heart to tell him this now. Maybe ever.

He lets the conversation fall.

And I let the tears.

15 comments:

deb said...

Missed these last few posts,
and now I have tears too.

Lilith said...

It sounds so awful but I am thankful Katie doesn't realize she's handicapped. I don't know what I would do with her questions. I know she loves babies, she knows women make them in their bodies, I think she knows she is a woman. There, now I made myself cry.

It's just hard. Sending you a hug Carrie.

Drama Mama said...

Oh Carrie.

I love you.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, Carrie. This IS so sad. Let those tears fall. Something good will be in Rojo's future -- it must and it will.

Deb Shucka said...

I hold you in the space of hearing and understanding. Love.

jess said...

oh honey. oceans of love.

kario said...

There may be a thousand reasons why he can't be a father. But I suppose that the one or two why he would make such a glorious father are so much more powerful.

I wonder what his drive is to be a dad - the mentoring, the time spent with that joyous youth, being 'in charge'...I'll bet he can find some other outlets for that wellspring of love inside him for another 10 years or so.

Fourteen is a bit young ;-)

courtneywrites said...

Gorgeous. Heartbreaking.
Lots of love, C

Kim said...

Oh sweetie. Tears here too. And love.

Anonymous said...

Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.

xo

MO'N

Wanda said...

I wonder how Rojo and the universe will work this one out...

Something good this way will come.

Hugs and Love.

Ask Me Anything said...

I, too, wonder how the Universe will work this one out. But you know it will. No accidents.

Amber said...

Oh friend.

Only love for you.

I know you know he may be meant for more than he can even imagine right now.

:)

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

Oh, honey. Tears are falling here too. We've had similar discussions about having kids, and it always breaks my heart.

blackknightsbrood said...

Oh, I feel you here. :( It's hard.