Monday, August 2, 2010

The Miss List

The funeral is over.

Most of the out-of-town guests have left. Reality is setting in.

It's Monday morning and over coffee Emily and I start making a list of who needs to be contacted, the order in which to do that, the papers we need to locate, on and on. Overwhelming.

She goes to her computer to investigate Social Security benefits. Finds out she needs a marriage certificate. Doesn't have one. Did at one time, no idea where it is now. Goes online to order one, one To Do turns into ten sub To Dos. Overwhelming.

I'm emptying the dishwasher, trying to be helpful, nearby without hovering, available but not insensitive. "You know," she says, looking up from the computer"we were married 22 years. We had a good life. There are going to be so many things I miss about him. Sure, there were things that drove me crazy, but what I'm going to miss is so much bigger. Put that on your blog. Make your friends start a list of what they would miss about their spouses. Tell them to focus on those things, instead."

I started a list.


* Photo from:


Wanda said...

Oh, my god. I know this list. I have been making it in my head for several years now. Not a pretty picture.

Anonymous said...

Mine didn't die but I do miss some things about him.

Deb Shucka said...

I'll be making this list through tears. I'm so sorry for Emily's lost and grateful for her wisdom. And yours. Love.

jess said...

deb took the words right out of my heart.

love to you

and emily

Jerri said...

Please tell Emily she's being held in Light and Love by many who love you and, by extension, all you love.

What generosity of spirit it took to think of others in the midst of her pain. Love.

Unknown said...

oh, carrie, please give Emily my love.
and that she would find the grace to give... how truly unbelievable.

I can't do a list , I just can't , he is my everything

kario said...

Making my list now.

Thank you, Emily.

And thank you, too, Carrie. I know your help without hovering was a tremendous comfort.


Anonymous said...

Send my love to Emily too. I do have the list, running through my head on the days I get frustrated with him and forget the gift that he is to me.
In the days I was a newlywed I knew an older woman, a military wife, who said she used to complain about having to iron her husband's uniforms so perfectly, in non air conditioned base housing, in the heat of summer. Then her next door neighbor's husband died in combat.
From then on she rejoiced that she 'got to' iron his uniforms, heat or no heat. Because it meant he would come home to wear them.
I never forgot that. And I'm sure Emily completely understands.
Hug her for me. My heart goes out to her.


Anonymous said...

making the list right now, well, as soon as the goose bumps pass and my eyes stop stinging. Overlooking the annoying things. Thank you for the reminder.

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

Overwhelming, yes. My heart goes out to her. Love.

Elizabeth said...

I am sorry to hear of your friend's loss -- and that she would offer this during this awful time is astounding. Yes, I desperately need to make a list as I muddle through marriage.

Thank you, Carrie and Emily. Thank you. And may you be comforted and healed.

Unknown said...

It's a list without an ending. Everything. I'd miss everything, including the things that bug me most. Maybe especially those things - how else would he be who he is without those maddening, joyously frustrating quirks?

Angie Ledbetter said...

Went over and executed a similar list with my Dad in late April for my beloved Mother. Heart.wrenching. Wonderful idea of the spouse list. Sending prayers.

Love the new blog. Putting linkage to here and Tanya Savko's place tomorrow.

Love to you.

Amber said...

Love this idea.

Love to her. I can only imagine how hard things are. :(


Anonymous said...

This is a great idea - great post.... sad that it has come from such a sad place though - warm wishes to Emily. said...

My list is a mile long.

Thank you and thank Emily for reminding me.

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