Monday, November 11, 2013

Dear Younger Self

Dear Younger Self,

Wow, looking through all the files you created years and years ago, I can see just how hard you worked to create order out of disorder. I can see that you thought all the information you worked so hard to acquire, could be used to help someone else someday, and you'd be ready. You'd have your files set inside matching swinging files, all labeled and ready-to-go. When someone wanted information on ADHD, ASD, OCD, OT, how to talk to kids about dying, the signs of depression, and on and on, you'd be a vast warehouse of at-your-fingertips information.

You didn't know that all that effort to clip, sort, file and save was going to just sit there and never be opened. Not once would you take the green lid off that Rubbermaid tote. Not once. Years and years later, after the crises had all passed, you'd pull out that tub from the bottom of other tubs, and wonder  - but just for a second - what it was you were thinking at the time?

You know what you were thinking. You were thinking you'd try to help others. You were thinking that  if you kept your hands busy, your mind could stay quiet. You were thinking that if you were "doing" you were doing enough. You were thinking if the information was in a sensical form, you'd be able to make sense of the diagnoses. Actually, you weren't thinking at all - you were responding.

Maybe your husband was right, you should have been "smoking a lot more reefer," instead of doing and going all the time, but that's okay. That's not who you were.  You were a doer and a goer and those are not traits to apologize for - the world needs doers and goers. The world needed you.

So, thank you, Younger Self, for your optimism, for your consideration, for your efforts all around. When you meet up with Older Self, smile at her from the past, wave as you pass the baton to her and let her take what you've done and where you've gone - all your doing and going, and bless her as she takes a deep breath.

And exhales.

7 comments: said...

OMHOG how cute were you? All of you?

Love that you are paying tribute to who you were, and love who you've become.

Kim said...

From that adorable picture to every word in this post, it is one of my absolute favorites, hands down. I love your younger self and your older (and equally gorgeous) self, and all of the kindness and understanding in their meeting here. Wonderful!

lily cedar said...

Lovely. We try our best to cope with things. I remember one time thanking myself as a child for making it through my childhood.

terry said...

That's exactly how all three of you always "look" for me. And I echo the words and sentiment of "fullsoul"

Anonymous said...

Love this post - such a wonderful way to look at you were and you are - awesome!!

Elizabeth said...

Does this mean I have to go through THE FILES and purge?

kario said...

Oh, God I love that you did this. The purging and the writing to your younger self and the keeping of all the papers. KEEP ALL THE THINGS!!! I know that I have files full of the papers on developmental biology that were handed out at the toddler groups and the recipes for homemade Play-doh and salt dough ornaments for grandparents and they will sit there for a long time. You hit the nail on the head with the 'staying busy' part. Now when I find myself doing that, it's a red flag. Back then, it was simply a way of life.

Love you.