Tuesday, October 4, 2011

My Old Friend

My old friend, anxiety, is back. She is making my arms tingle, my heart race, my stomach churn. She taunts me in my sleep, awakening me in a dead panic at least once a night.

Struggled with anxiety my whole life, came to a peak almost ten years ago, exactly. Started doing the math yesterday (anxiety loves to run numbers), realized it was as I approached 39 that she really went nuts. I am fast approaching 49. She's right on time.

About to say goodbye to another decade and hello to the next one. About to launch my oldest off to college. About to see Rojo's years of formal education wind down, not up. About to move into a different stage with our marriage and parenting, while we will still have one at home (and may always), we will no longer be really "raising" kids.

We have three parents in their 80's, it's only a matter of time until their needs become greater and our roles shift in those relationships, too.

STM is concluding a project he's worked for years on. He will be starting "next."

Although I may need to revisit the idea of medication, I am hoping to avoid that. Scheduled an appointment with the naturopath. Going to try to do this "naturally."

Going to spend more time in meditation and less in my car racing from silly errand to silly errand (i.e. three trips to Safeway in 24 hours).

Going to take more slow walks with the dog - let her sniff to her hearts content and let that time be an opportunity for deep breathing, as opposed to utter exasperation.

Going to drink more herbal tea and less coffee.

Going to stop making lists of what I'm going to do, and just...




fullsoulahead.com said...

Take good care of Carrie, in whatever way she needs.


Dee said...

Dear Carrie, Your plan sounds so wise. I think you are truly in touch with what your whole body needs. This must come from past experience and from your own well-honed intuition.

Please be gracious to yourself.
When the anxiety peaks, please let yourself sink in the moment. Into all your sense within and without.
I say again, be gracious to yourself.


Amber said...

Oh my friend, I feel you. I don't know if everyone "gets" what real axiety is, but I do. I hope you find your way to make it better. For me, it was going back on the meds, AS WELL as making HUGE changes in my life, and meditation every.single.day... But anxiety is just such a bitch.

I am sending you lots of love.


kario said...


Leslie said...

Going through the exact same thing over here....I have to make myself lie down for 20 minutes a day, every day, and just breathe, breathe, breathe....and not let my mind wander. Good vibes from one FTB to another!.....

gail said...

I DO understand. I pray that you are able to get control over the anxiety. It is so hard. gail