Thursday, October 28, 2010

Stillness and Knowing

I'm out of my mind with anxiety over Rojo's high school placement for next year. My rational, spiritual, intuitive side says, "All will be well. There is not a lot left you have control over. Trust. He always comes out on top and he will again. There are angels all around him and a greater good is being created all the time."

I totally, totally know that and believe that, and honor that.

However, between the hours of Midnight and 6 AM that side of me is nowhere to be found and the anxious, doubting, controlling, freaking out part of me is in full swing and it takes me all day to recover from being with "her" all night.

STM pointed out that when he gets over-stressed he shuts down and when I get over-stressed I fire up. I'm so over-stressed now I'm firing in all directions, totally without a plan, just frantic, nervous, unproductive and pointless firings. Suddenly every home furnishing is on my last nerve. Windows that have been without a treatment for seven years must have one this minute, art must suddenly be framed or reframed. I have to be DOING something, right? I can't just sit here and leave it all up to GOD, can I?

Driving is another time I really like to get myself worked up. Lately I have noticed an abundance of reassuring signs just as I'm deep into the What Ifs. A bumper sticker. A rainbow. A sign on a building.

In my daughter's high school there is my favorite Bible verse stenciled above the chapel doors. "Be still, and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)

I know the call for me is to stop with the doing and be with the knowing.

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.



Amber said...

"However, between the hours of Midnight and 6 AM that side of me is nowhere to be found and the anxious, doubting..."--

Gosh, do I know this pattern. Also the "reving up" with stress, and needing to DO everything and have things done all at once. Make ORDER out of what you can. This is what my last couple months has looked like, and why I now have a (cute) painted old desk and new pictures on the walls.

Ahhh, yes. Great minds. Great minds...Great, if sometimes cwazy minds.

You DO know all of that. Just as I know all of it. But it is still hard to stay in the higher place when we live in the world. The worry is real, even if not helping anything. (((you))) All you can do is keep breathing. Keep reminding yourself of what you know. It is something.


Elizabeth said...

Oh, I know this feeling so well. I call it my night-time psychotic self, even when its after-effects trail me into the day. The universe IS abundant. Rojo is whole in God, and so are you. I will lay my hand on your forehead and think peace. Think peace.

Jerri said...

I'm holding you and yours in the still center of my heart, sure and certain that all will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well.


Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

Anxiety is a terrible thing. I loathe it, yet I allow it to consume me.

Sending positive thoughts that stillness and knowing will soon prevail. Love.

adiaryofamom said...

i bought this for a friend a while back ..

we all need the reminder.

peace is within. it's just finding it under all the other crap that's the real sommabich.

Deb Shucka said...

This too shall pass. But the love is always there.

deb said...

sending you love , Carrie.

kario said...

I'm calling you this afternoon. I've discovered some techniques to help calm that night owl, worry.


Jan said...

I would give you great advice, but I'm too busy being crazy worried about Ariana's high school placement for next year....(Although for me, the worry happens much more in the daylight hours.)

So, hugs, more hugs, and know that you're not alone in this. And that it will all work out fine in the end.