Hard to Tuna

Wil came bounding down the stairs yesterday morning, entering the room where I was snuggled with Flicka, drinking coffee, and attempting to store up on enough quiet to last throughout the day. "It's Christmas Eve Eve. It's double eve."

His goal this year, is to drive poor Santa to ruin. He emailed him early in the season, requesting a billion dollar iTunes gift card, and a vending machine filled with Tropicana fruit punch. Since then, he's added such items as a Mariner Moose and a Clapper.

"We're making cinnamon rolls for Santa tomorrow, and hot chocolate. Coffee isn't really a night drink. He gets enough cookies."

With Christmas Eve being on a Sunday, he's got even more masses to attend than his usual four-a-week. The excitement is almost more than he, or we, can bear.

When the kids were little, STM used to tell them what his father had told him when he was all wound up, "Simmer down now." Wil heard it as, "Simmer tuna," and we've since shortened the whole expression to simply, "Tuna."

STM and I were discussing the second place winner of "Survivor," and her self-proclaimed Type A personality. "She needs to learn to be more Type T, tuna," he said.

There will be no tuna-ing for any of us today, as we are swept up into the absolute joy of a pure heart, a believing soul, the epitome of the Christmas spirit. If I could bottle his and share it with each of you, I would.

Just a drop would do ya.

A Sample

Took Wil and Timmy Christmas shopping at the mall, yesterday. Mind you, not the one closest to our house, but the one furthest. First stop: Babies R Us to buy Baby Magic hair and body wash - the purple kind. The other stores we've tried on the latest wild goose chase, did not carry purple. Purple is a must. Purple is the preferred color of all things these days.

Timmy found a rubber duck he needed, we found the purple Baby Magic, and on we went to the next leg of our quest. After getting the boys fed and going to the first store all together to help navigate, we found a meeting spot with comfy chairs, right outside a candy store. I sat there with my book while they took off in search of gifts for others. There were two rules to the plan: stick together, and don't buy anything for yourselves.

A text from Timmy arrived moments later, with a photo. "For Mom?" I won't tell you what it was, because Kim is reading this, and we want her to be v surprised on Christmas morning. But, I was proud of Timmy for finding something for his mom, first thing. I texted back that I thought she'd love it, and didn't hear from them for another half hour.

Deciding they were good for a little bit, I roved around the mall just browsing. Didn't know if I had two minutes or two hours before they'd be ready to go, so didn't want to get too invested in what I was doing. Having the mind set of window shopping was surprisingly peaceful, I wasn't there to buy, or find, or accomplish anything, I was just there to observe.

Got back to the comfy chair, and the candy store clerk didn't have any customers, apparently. She was outside the doors with a tray of samples. Her white apron, pulled-back hair and gloved hands made her look very official. "Hi! Would you like to try a sample?" she asked each person or couple walking by. "Would you like to try a sample?" "Hi, would you like to try a sample?" Over and over again she asked, with very few takers. She got a few no-thank-yous, but mostly she got hurried people passing by, totally ignoring her.

The mall was busy. Her question, constant. Impossible to read my book and I didn't want to move spots, so I closed the book, and just watched the whole thing. About every 20th time she asked, she got a taker. Sometimes, someone would even cross over the path of shoppers to seek her out, and she seemed thrilled to offer them a cherry-flavored gummy bear. Never once when I was watching, did her sample turn into a sale. Nobody entered the store. She was, by many accounts, unsuccessful in getting business.

Sometimes trying to get what we want, or think we want, feels futile. We turn over rocks. We make attempts, tweak our approach, try again. Nothing. Sometimes we get a taker, someone that throws us a bone to let us know that Universe hears us, our efforts are not all for naught. Sometimes we even get those that go out of their way to cross our path and make our dreams come true.

The boys bounded back and interrupted my reverie. Timmy had the gift for his mom and one for himself. He had, however, resisted buying several more things for himself that he really, really wanted. Wil had bought Kim a present, also. And four for Jer, his two-and-a-half-year-old "son," the bear. "You know he's stuffed," he responds when people ask if Jer is real.

But Jer is real, and Jer is going to have a great Christmas this year. So is Kim. I hope the lady at the candy store does, too.

Favorites

It first happened on Wednesday, when I ran into the store to buy a few items, and swung by the pharmacy to see if Sally was there. The last time I'd been in to get a prescription, she told me she was retiring. "Two weeks. Bring the big guy in to say goodbye."

"We came to give you a hug," we said, as she finished up with her customer.

"I'll take it!" she said.

"When's your last day?"

"Today!"

"We're going to miss you, Sally," I said.

"I'm going to miss you guys, too. You're two of my favorites."

It happened again yesterday, I had an email exchange, and she ended it with, "I'm not supposed to say this, but you guys are two of my favorites."

My ego was loving it, to be chosen, singled out, favored. All the poor schmucks that had not made the list of favorites - what a shame. But then I started thinking about the two women that made the comments - they treat everyone as though they are their favorites. They are kind, caring, compassionate, engaged, and present to everyone they're with.

No wonder they are two of my favorites.

Gaining and Losing

The little tiny one-hour time change, is really throwing me off. As I looked at the clock last night, 10:45, 12:11, 2:33, and finally giving into morning at 3:30, I thought how often it's harder to gain, than to lose.

I used to look forward to that extra hour of sleep, it felt so luxurious, so indulgent, so necessary.

My friend told me that she is often too tired to put her clean sheets back on the bed all the way, before climbing into bed, exhausted.

I had years of that type of exhaustion, where the days were just one long, brutal moment after another.

Years.

When did the years turn the corner?

When did I?

When did gaining time become a "problem?"

I'm re-listening to Eckhart Tolle's Stillness Speaks. If you're looking for wisdom from a modern-day enlightened being, you need look no further.

The extra time is for stillness. It is for "nothing," it is a gift, handed with an open hand, to be used carefully, and with gentle awareness.

We Got You

I'm making my way through Caroline Myss' audio version of Entering the Castle, again. Nine disks of Caroline kicking my ass. I can only take it for short bursts of time. Caroline don't mess. She is direct, blunt, bossy, often downright nasty. Think: Judge Judy.

Entering the Castle is the exploration of Teresa of Avila's work, 500 years ago.

The more things change, the more things stay the same.

Teresa was a mystic. She was a promoter of reform and prayer. She outlined the deep interior of the soul the "castles," and the experiences within.

Our priest is speaking more on the topic of prayer these days, and has initiated "Name Tag Sundays" once-a-month. Everyone gets a name tag when they enter church, and at the end of Mass, you are to switch with someone you don't know (tough for Wil, he knows everyone), and pray for that person for the next month.

While switching name tags, asking someone to pray for you can be awkward and uncomfortable, it is so powerful. And such an honor.

I've got the Marys going for Maggie this month. Maggie has me.

We have each other.

Tribal Love

Some of my nearest and dearest got together yesterday, to celebrate our beloved Nancy's birthday. Together we laugh. We cry. We share. We vent. We rejoice. We hold one another's confidences, fears, triumphs, joys and struggles. We prayerfully support each other, and those forms of prayer are as varied as we are.

When three hours feels like three minutes, that is one of life's greatest pleasures.

When the world seems to be falling down around us, and it's easy to despair, we need each other more than ever. To break bread together, raise a glass and share in deep love and respect, is healing and holy.

Here's to turning another year wiser.

Here's to turning towards one another in our homes, communities and greater world.

Here's to turning up the love.

Aging

"The dog is outside," my husband informs me, as he walks through the kitchen one last time, before going to work, and happens to see the poor dog on the back porch.

"Please let her in," I reply.

"How long has she been out there?" he asks.

"I don't know - 15 minutes?"

Getting defensive I say, "It's nothing short of a miracle that I'm only as crazy as I am, and not any crazier. I can't hold a thought in my head, and it doesn't help that try as I might, I'm constantly interrupted with absolute minutiae."

We laugh.

"Blog that," he says.

And it's true. I should be a lot crazier. 

Poor Flicka Link comes in, after waiting way too long at the door, patient and obedient as ever. 

I see Flicka aging almost by the day, now. I saw that with my mother-in-law, too, each time I saw her that last year of life, she was noticeably older. It's like that first dramatic year of life, in reverse. 

We have non-slip rug pads on all the stairs - inside and out. She sometimes needs help getting up and down them, and we keep that to a bare minimum of times each day. Next step will be moving a twin mattress to the floor of the living room, and sleeping in there with her. She needs to sleep next to me, and I need to fulfill that need. 

Flicka has had a long life of faithful service, some we know the details about, and some we don't. She can hardly see due to cataracts, and has trouble hearing. I think there may be some dementia going on - she seems confused. She is full of large, benign tumors, and her legs give out on her. She could, ironically, use a guide dog right about now. 

I will be her guide.

We are Them

Been in close communication with my friend and yours, Ilonka Michelle O'Neil. Ilonka lives in Florida, and I've been worried sick about how Irma is going to affect her. Her husband and kids are locked down at the hospital, where her husband works. She is home alone with the dogs, being the warrior and brave soul that she is. 

She posted on Facebook this morning, assuring us she was okay, providing an update, and ending with: 

"Sometime today turn off The Weather Channel/news. Take a break from it. Instead maybe sit quietly and think about our beautiful earth and what she is trying to tell us? Fire. Wind. Water. Smoke. Earthquakes. 

Let's ask her what she needs. Let's finally listen."

Wrote an email to Suzanne Finnamore, who suggested I post the email to my blog. Here is our exchange:

Sat with Mary this morning in my closet, and drew a card. Drew Our Lady of Sacred Sisterhood from the deck Mother Mary Oracle Cards The question in my heart was: How do we respond to what our Mother Earth is trying to tell us? The fires. The hurricanes. The earthquakes. It feels like since the eclipse, all hell has broken loose. I feel like Trump is accelerating the going-to-hell process, but we were headed there anyway. It’s so easy to despair, to retreat, to rage against “them.”

But what can we do? I’ve been listening to more of Charles Eisenstein, he seems to me to be one of the smartest and wisest thought leaders of our times. 

I feel that the “second coming” I heard about all throughout my childhood, is here. Now, I believe that to be our call to awaken. It’s the Christ in us, that is “coming,” the best of us, our true selves at the soul level, that must arise. It’s going to be the feminine energy that overcomes all the destructive male energy that’s gotten us where we are today, in my opinion.

Have you been spending time with the oracle cards? What does Mary say to you these days?

Her reply: 

You know what Mary says?

We are them.

Line of Totality

Got our glasses.

Got our outdoor chairs all wiped off and in formation.

Got the makings of mimosas, lattes, and sweet treats.

We are ready to gather and watch the solar eclipse, this morning. We are not along the line of totality, but we are close enough. Close enough that we couldn't possibly be bothered to drive, camp, be with the throngs a few hours away, that will be. Over a million tourists are expected in Oregon today. No, thanks, we will be in our backyard, quite happy with near totality.

I have a cousin getting married. She's actually more like a niece. She wants us to provide her with advice for marriage and relationships. When we come to her bridal shower, we will bring a favorite recipe, and this advice.

I am nearly obsessed these days with the concept of long-term marriage, and a book lies within me on the subject. I am fascinated, intrigued, confused, inspired, in awe, in solidarity, in a state of wonder that anyone gets married, and stays married for 30, 40, 50 or more years.

A miracle? Were they lucky? Tenacious? Blessed? Stubborn? Afraid? Brave? All of the above?

These are the questions that run through my mind.

I've been taking notes and gathering them into one place so I can compose just what it is I want to say to my cousin/niece. I asked my husband of 25 years, "What advice do you have for a couple just getting married?"

"Don't be a dick. Don't be a pussy" he said, the words sliding off his tongue as though he'd been preparing for my question.

Could it be as simple as that?

He is an over-simplifier, a black-and-white thinker, a put-it-in-this-box-or-that-one-but-never-a-third type of guy.

Grey might be my favorite color.

I strive to find and walk the middle path. When I get in my car and it's either too hot or too cold, I get it cooler or warmer, find the place I'm comfortable, and then dial it up or down - gradually. My husband turns it to full-blast hot or cold and then off.

Marriage lies along the line of totality. Through the course of a long-term marriage, we eclipse each other, block out the other's light, move into darkness, lightness, sometimes letting the other shine, sometimes making it impossible. That movement, that dance, that back-and-forth between light and dark is where the lessons lie, and ultimately, the love.

Sustain

My son has held a huge fascination for the ice cream truck, for as long as I can remember. Seven years? Ten? Longer? “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” “The Entertainer,” “Little Brown Jug,” “Turkey in the Straw,” get hummed, sung, pulled up over and over on YouTube, and played on the piano. Right hand plays the tune perfectly; left hand bangs the bass clef keys sometimes making a harmonious combination, mostly not. Right foot planted on the right pedal, the sustain pedal, also known as the damper, or the loud pedal. The sustain pedal lets all the notes on the piano resonate after you lift your fingers from the keys, forcing the notes to echo and overlap.

Much of our summer days are spent in anticipation of the ice cream truck, When might it show up? What will my son choose? Do I want one, too? Which one? If I hear the truck before he does, I throw on shoes and run wildly into the street to find it, wave it down, and beg the driver to come to our house. If he hears it before me, it’s too late: there isn’t enough time for him to come find me, tell me, and have me track it down before it takes a different, torturous alternative route. As whichever song plays in the distance, he asks me the impossible: Will it come back to our house? When? Where is it now?

I would love to have the answers to these, and other of life’s big questions. I don’t. I can only guess. What I have come to understand is that guessing doesn’t help ease the anxiety around the questions - it may for a second, until the guess proves inaccurate. It appeases only temporarily, and then the unease of uncertainty, bobs right back up to the surface.

Trying to answer the unanswerable, is to keep your foot on the sustain pedal, it forces the notes of anxiety to echo and overlap.

Heat Wave

The instrument in my car reads the outdoor temperature as 73. It read it when it was 53. It read it when it was 93. It will probably read it when it hits 103. It has been dead-on reliable for the three years I've had the car, but now, during our current heat wave, it's off.

No accidents?

Could it be the Universe telling me, Who cares?

Or how about, It's only as hot as you think it is.

Or maybe this, Pretend it's 73.

I don't do well in the heat. Never have, never will, and am all done apologizing for that. There is a physical response to heat that is undeniable. I can take the cold all day long and twice on Sundays. I actually thrive in it. My husband says it's my Scandinavian heritage.

Who cares?

It's only as hot or as cold as I think it is.

Pretend, pretend, pretend.

Basement

I hate my basement, and everything about my basement. First of all, it's a basement. I don't like them. Never have, never will. They are so basementy. They are below. They tend to be dark, dank, spooky, even.

Secondly, my husband had the great idea of painting the concrete floor, red. I am not fond of red, as a rule, and the paint is chipped, dirty, uneven, and very, very red. You just can't forget for a minute that you are in a room with a red floor, and that alone is enough to make me scarcely venture in.

Ours is too hot in the summer, and too cold in the winter. At Christmastime I use ours to store, organize and wrap gifts. I have to use a space heater and wear a coat. In the summer it's sweltering. Fans are required, then they blow stuff around and that just makes me mad.

On top of the red floor, we have two hideous orange metal shelf thingies. They belonged to my dad. I didn't like them then, and my feelings haven't changed. Not sure what I was thinking when I arranged to haul them up from Eugene 21 years ago - probably in the midst of postpartum and who-knows-what-else. may have thought they were practical. Always fall for that one. Surely, I could forget they were orange. I could forget they used to hold all kinds of things I didn't want to be reminded of that they once held: dozens of used coffee cups, someone else's weird dental work, every cover/binder to every paper his students had ever turned in. I could forget he was a hoarder and those orange shelving units proved it.

But I haven't forgotten.

I think I have that hoarding tendency, but the neat freak in me wins out in the end. I hang onto things for sentimental reasons, and as though there will be a test someday, and I need to prove I was "there."

I haven't taught a day (strictly speaking) in 18 years. I gave away a ton of my teaching materials long ago, but held onto my faves. As all teachers know, you put a billion extra hours into creating meaningful lessons and activities for your kids, and to just dump them, ain't right. None-the-less, a lot has changed in education in the last 18 years, and my stuff - even the faves - are out-of-date. I pawned off what I could to a friend that still teaches, and the rest I've been going through. Can't just grab it all and throw it in the recycling bin, too many paper clips, overhead projector sheets, brads and clasps, things of the past.

My faves have amounted to two giant recycling bins worth of paper. One went out last week, one will go out this. I gave away three totes full of books at the neighborhood garage sales, and what wasn't taken, went into the various Free Little Libraries in my neighborhood. Those were just my young adult books that I could part with. Don't worry, I have more.

I've been stabbing at the orange shelving unit which held the teaching materials, all summer long. I'm done. The one next to it which houses way too many poorly organized photo albums, is mid-way through being dealt with.

In the basement is a ping-pong table wannabe. It's no good for playing ping-pong, but it's excellent for storing crap under, and sorting things on top of. We had a toilet flood in February, and in June we smelled something funny in the pantry... mold. The ping-pong table has held all the pantry items while the pantry got sledge hammered and re-built, after treating the mold.

As I put away the last of the pantry items and switched the table over to teaching material sorting, today, I thought how like our lives is that table. We all need a place to sort things out, spread them around, put them into piles and see what's what. The table can only really work best, when one mess is on it at a time. No room for both the pantry items and the teaching materials. No room for both the photo albums and the books.

For some of us, that "place" is meditation. For some, yoga. For some, time with a soulmate. For some, a combination or none of the above. Maybe it's solitude, or a long drive. We all have a "basement" and we all need to sort it out from time-to-time.

Complimentary Colors

I took art in high school and college. I am no artist, but I appreciate it, and have a strong need to be surrounded by it. I admire the artistic and creative mind - I have neither. It's no coincidence that I write memoir, and not fiction. Fantasy? Forget about it.

One thing that has stuck with me from an early art lesson, is the way colors work with one another. Freshman year in high school we had to create a color wheel, and we learned all about primary, secondary, tertiary and complementary colors. The traditional red and green of Christmas are complimentary. The preppie pink and green are complimentary. My favorite combination these days, is blue and orange. On my denim-covered furniture, rest orange accent pillows. I have orange shoes, belt, and could use a jacket.

I've been thinking a lot about long-term marriage. I look around at the couples I know that have been married 20, 25, even 30 or more years, and wonder sometimes, If I knew each of these people, separately, would I ever have put them together? Opposites seem to attract in many cases.

I do know couples that seem to be cut from the same cloth, totally simpatico, sharing the same interests, priorities, styles and ways of being. They seem to be the exception to the rule. And, let's just be honest, tend to be second marriages.

I think what's important to remember when butting up against your opposite, is that while their approach/method/response is not like yours, it can serve as a compliment.

When we re-paint our kitchen, I am thinking of going with white. White walls, trim, cupboards, countertop. Monochromatic. It will make a nice backdrop to our lives and personalities, that are rich with colors that compliment.

21-er

Twenty-one years ago today, I started the day looking like that, and ended the day looking like this:

What would I say to my younger self?

I recently watched a "Super Soul Sunday" in which Oprah took clips from several interviews, and you heard guest after guest answer that very question. Elizabeth Gilbert said, "There's nothing I would have said to my younger self, because she wouldn't have listened."

Would I have listened?

If I'd have told her to buckle up, it's going to get bumpy. Pace yourself. Let the small things go. Just about everything is a small thing, would she have listened?

If I'd have told her her whole life is about to profoundly change, and there will be no going back. There will only be Then and After Then, would she have listened?

If I'd have told her she's stronger than she thinks, can endure more, has more patience and sheer tenacity than she ever thought possible, would she have listened?

If I'd told her she can love more powerfully, wholly, profoundly than ever before, would she have listened?

If I'd told her she is not alone, that while her situation would be isolating, never was she alone, would she have listened?

If I'd told her that the one that cried and cried and cried some more, to the point she thought he'd never stop, would make her belly laugh every day for years and years, would she have listened?

Is there really any point in this exercise?

We can't go back, we can't tell our old selves anything. What we can do, is try now to listen to our future selves. What is she trying to tell me from her vantage point? What do I know in my heart of heart, believe in my soul, feel in my bones?

We can listen to that.

We must.

Quotient

Not a single rubber tip remains on any of the door stops. Surreptitiously, one-at-a-time, they have all been removed and discarded.

I don't know why.

I occasionally find one, shoved under a bed, or tucked at the back of a drawer. I replace it. I wait. I watch. And again, it disappears.

There will be no peace until each of the door stops are without tips.

I hear a lot about Tropicana fruit punch and orange cream-flavored foods these days. Many hours are spent in the pursuit of them: time on the Internet, MapQuest consulted to find the stores that carry the items-of-the-month. Driving time, shopping, more discussion, then eventually, me finding good homes for the items we went in full search of, but were never intended to actually be consumed.

I've been thinking a lot about the subject of intelligence. We live in a culture that throws around words like "stupid," "dumb," "idiot," "foolish," with much smugness and little awareness.

The message is strong, it is loud, it is constant, and it is offensive to me. High intelligence is good, low intelligence is bad.

There is nothing "smart" about making others feel "dumb."

There is nothing "intelligent" about letting everyone know just how "intelligent" you are.

I'm grateful to those that consider intelligence in a multitude of ways: emotionally, socially, spiritually, relationally.

I'm grateful to those that comprehend the Beatitudes.

I'm grateful that rubber tips and fruit punch have taught me more than anything.

Leaving the Sandlot

I'm going to a writing retreat in August, led by an author I've not known a whole lot about until recently. It's one of those stories where everything came together quickly and easily, and I just knew it was meant to be.

I've been on other writing retreats, with mixed results. I guess all of that is coming up now in my sub-conscious, because last night I dreamed I was at my future retreat, but a former teacher was hovering nearby. I came to understand she was using my writing for her students to workshop. All kinds of boundaries were crossed and I felt there was little to nothing I could do about it.


Then, I spotted on an end table, a book I'd apparently written, Leaving the Sandlot. I could see the white jacket, the blue lettering, my name on the spine.

I woke up and repeated the title in my head a few times, so I wouldn't forget. Such a weird title. A sandlot? My only familiarity with that word is with some kids' movie, made before I was even a parent, and taking place before I was even born.


Maybe the message is in the word "leaving."

Maybe the message is in the definition of sandlot: a piece of unoccupied land used by children for games.

Maybe the message is in the combo, moving away from that which is unoccupied.

Ode to a Father

I'm writing this on the 21st anniversary of my own father's death. That death was both the end and a beginning, as is always the case. An end to the struggles my father had, created, and all the ways those struggles rippled. His death brought forth the opportunity to put a period at the end of that story, and begin the process of healing, re-evaluation, and ultimately, compassion and forgiveness.

I knew what kind of father I would choose for my own children. Not only would my ultimate husband and father to my kids be addiction-free, he would be funny. He would be kind. He would be a good provider. He would be intentional in his parenting. He would co-parent. He would be heavily invested and involved in the emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being of our kids.

I didn't know that between our two children we would face autism spectrum disorder, eczema, flat feet, scoliosis, pectus excavatum ("funnel chest"), secondary anorexia, amblyopia, depression, anxiety, OCD, allergies, ADHD, and those are just the ones that are share-able and on the tip of my tongue.

I didn't know there were that many kinds of therapists.

I didn't know that no matter how much we earned and saved, our kids' needs would surpass whatever we had.

I didn't know that my ability to earn would be cut short, and my husband's ability would have to magically increase.

I didn't know that smoke, mirrors, and pulling rabbits out of hats, was required.

I didn't know that instead of throwing a ball in the backyard, my husband would be down on his knees doing Floortime.

I didn't know that instead of coaching one of his own kids in the sport he loved, excelled in and lived for for many years, he would coach other people's kids, and I would stay home with ours.

I didn't know that instead of taking trips, recreating, having adventures, like he had hoped and dreamed, he would make candles in the basement, watch endless reels of Elmo singing, "Yo, Five," and listen for the ice cream truck.

I didn't know that instead of going, having, seeing and doing, he would stay, go without, miss and skip.

I didn't know that a refusal to quit, perseverance, fortitude, stamina and sheer grit (all the same things that made him a successful athlete) would be the biggest job requirements.

I didn't know that humor wasn't a bonus, it was essential.

What I know now, is there is nothing like having both your kids working in the fields they love, and thriving. To see them earn their own money, and generously share it with others, is one of life's greatest joys. To witness them being kind, funny, helpful, thoughtful and good, is the truest reward.

What I know is I got the father for my children I wanted, and they needed, and we are blessed.

Surrender

“Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.”

—George Orwell

Was looking for a quotation that said something along the lines of editors are those who know a lot about writing, but aren't cursed with the need to write. Couldn't find it. Found this one, instead. Love it, and everything about it.

Chicken or egg? Does writing drive you mad, or do you have to start off mad to write?

I have come to understand that when you're in the active writing stage, you're writing when you're dreaming. You're writing when you're reading. You're writing when you're walking the dog, pulling the weeds, running the errands. You're always "writing." It's there. This "being" is a necessary and burdensome presence you just can't shake.

I have lists on my phone, in my car, by the bed, taped to the computer. Everything is material, or possible material. Snippets of overheard conversations, memories, thoughts, wishes, lies and dreams.

I'm with you, George, one would never undertake such a thing unless driven - there is no resisting nor understanding, there is only surrender.

Excused

Wil turns 21 a month from tomorrow. Plans are underway for a big backyard party (if you'd like to come, consider yourself invited). As was the case when he was turning 18, I felt the need to celebrate, to usher in the milestone with hoopla and fanfare, and rejoice.

Slim to no chance he will partake in alcohol, on his birthday or otherwise. I'll get back to you whether or not he begins taking the wine at communion. This birthday has nothing to do with his legal right to buy or consume alcohol.

"I'm in my early 20's," he said to me, yesterday. At first I thought that came out of nowhere, but then realized we'd been previously discussing how old the others were in his music class. His friend, Timmy, had said, "I think the average age is 30."

Wil, Timmy and I have a standing Monday date. We pick up Timmy around 9:30, give or take, and go to a convenience store of Wil's choosing. Then, there is usually another random store picked out for a random reason, then we go to lunch at... a random restaurant. Then, we go to their class, and while they are otherwise engaged for one hour, I sip on an iced decaf latte and read a good book. I drink deeply from the latte, the literature, and the quiet, because then it's back in the car with two boys that both want to tell me different things at the same time, and I carry on two parallel conversations and my mind nearly explodes in a matter of minutes.

Yesterday, the random store was Target. We all know I'm a big fan of Target, and couldn't help but feel that Wil was throwing me a bone. They shopped for the things that matter to them: Wil, snacks, Timmy, Legos. I shopped for the things that "matter" to me: compostable garbage bags, an inkjet, and throw pillows. The rule is they have to stick together, and keep their phones on. We text each other with updates, and select a time to meet at the check stands.

When I got to the check stands, Timmy had already checked out. Wil was standing there, looking a bit lost and confused. He'd checked out, but hadn't paid. He got all the way through before realizing he had no money on him. He explained that his mom was in the store and would be there in a minute to pay, and I was, and I did.

But. How did he not get that you have to both have money and enough? I'd stopped having him carry a wallet when he lost it for the millionth time. Instead, I send him out into the world with a Ziploc with just enough to get what he "needs," but not enough to devastate him when and if he loses it. Because we were together and that wasn't the plan for them to check out without me, I hadn't done that. He had not processed that, and I was startled to realize the utter lack of awareness around that.

Later, when I went to get the mail, he'd received something from the circuit courts. I opened it after Timmy left, and saw that he'd been summoned for jury duty, on his 21st birthday. I read through the list of justifiable excuses, and no where was an option for disability. Instead, there was information about accommodations made for those with disabilities, specifically, mobility, vision or hearing.

No amount of accommodations were going to make Wil jury material. I fired off a letter, attached my Letters of Guardianship, and there's no doubt he will be excused.

I struggle to find that sweet spot between what he can do and what he should do. Too often, I make life easy for him, because it makes it easier for me.

Too many excuses.

You're Bald

I'm hearing the soft call of the muse, again, and I'm loving it. It's hard to sense the muse when you're v busy watching bad TV, and otherwise distracted.

Had my cards read, and the woman said, "You're allowing distractions to keep you from doing what you want and need to be doing in the world."

Told my friends, Terry and Greg about that, Greg responded, "Hope you didn't pay too much for that reading."

Sometimes we have to pay too much for a reading, to have someone point out the obvious.

How is it we don't see the obvious, in ourselves, but if you're like me, you're super good at observing it in others?

We have a long-time joke around our house, where we place our hands on either sides of our mouth, and shout at another, "YOU'RE BALD!" when they don't seem to get the obvious. Comes from "Seinfeld," of course, the episode where George won't date a bald woman, and Elaine has to point out to George the irony.

Had lunch yesterday with two very dear and long-time friends (almost 30 years). We have had that trusted, sacred circle of friendship surrounding us and allowing us to truly share. One had the nerve to up and move three hours away, so now, when she comes to town, we gather. Although, in reality, we probably aren't getting together that much less frequently, it feels different. Just knowing she's not in town feels weird, and having her back in town feels like a reunion.

Seeing her bask in her new life of retirement and relocation, was glorious. Came home on such a high from our time together, and from seeing her so visibly happy, after years and years of struggle, in one way(s) or another.

When I got home, I returned to two men who had not had good days. Neither were happy.

They may not have had good days had I stayed home, either. They were upset for different reasons, having nothing to do with me, but yet that feeling that had I been there, they would both have been happier, remained.

How do we beckon the muse, fill up our tanks, and keep everyone else in their boats sailing on smooth seas? Must one be sacrificed for another? Is it our job to build their boats, place them on them and control the moon that controls the sea?

Impossible, yet I will probably need some help reminding me I'm bald.